After hours when darkness falls I whither with the light. My thoughts sink, my mood plummets, the fear comes to visit and I feel hopelessly alone. Some nights are better than others. Pouring out my heart here seems to ease the fears even though it’s a one sided conversation. In a way I’m still as afraid of the dark as I ever was as a child, though my demons have different faces these days. [Shadow of the Day – Linkin Park] On nights like tonight I leave every light on. When I live alone I used to hop in the car and drive towards lit places. Back then Wal-Mart was open 24hrs and I could get a fix but I’d settle for a well lit gas station with a trickle of patrons. I’m sure they wondered why I was there, not getting gas, not purchasing anything or robbing the place. I’d no business there only seeking the light. I’d eventually move on before it felt too weird.
It’s not an isolated feeling this darkness. It’s called Sundowning and sufferers may feel anxiety, aggression, confusion, paranoia, sadness and wandering/restlessness. You might see how that horrific package of feelings would affect a bipolar person. For those that suffer from Alzheimers or dementia it’s quite common. I wonder if those poor lost souls fear losing themselves in sleep as much as their families or caregivers.
What is it that I fear at night? Beyond my typical fears of failure and rejection I think my biggest fear is that of loneliness.
The following post was written September 5, 2022 at 10:32 pm when I was plagued with more dark despair:
Thoughts lurk in the darkness and I am alone. Why is it that places without light hide my demons. I know that I need not fear being alone but it’s there, waiting for me, every night. If I don’t sleep before it rears its ugly head it takes me over. Wraps me up in needles and rocks me soothingly. There’s a hopeless breathless feeling to it. Partly pent up like contained rage unleashed. I know out there someone else feels it and I wish I could reach out and clasp a hand. Wish that I could speak a comforting word and hear one in return. Wish I could stay awake all night and talk about nothing and fight the darkness.
I have such a beautiful life with the best husband in the world. He gives me comfort and the best love I’ve ever encountered. He has the power to banish lonely thoughts with just his presence. But, at night, when he’s not here I remember the terror of old times. I know that you can only know light if you’ve been intimate with darkness and it’s oh so light in my life these days. But dark days are never that far away. How is it that I can never truly banish the dark though?
It’s not as hard as it’s been in the past. I don’t cry as much as I used to. So maybe that’s healing. My love says he’ll always be by my side to fight the darkness. How can anyone shed a tear with light like that shining over you? [Next To Me – Imagine Dragons]
I’m still dealing with rolling waves of pain throughout my body from the fibromyalgia. It radiates out from my abdomen around my hips and down my thighs to my knees in slices of sharpness. My hips and outer thighs feel bruised and battered as if they’d been in a prize fight and lost the first three rounds. [O – Coldplay]
I hear music within the music, I must be crazy. [Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol]