2024.07.16 10:24 pm
Introduction to my personal logs: While I like to write about specific topics I also like to write down my thoughts as they come to me in journal entries. These won’t always be polished or any set length. I like to write down the start and end time of my writing no matter the amount of time it takes to finish. Sometimes there are long pauses due to distractions or my wandering mind. I’ve had to take a nap right after writing about something difficult and paused to do so before continuing upon waking.
I also often listen to music as I write. In my journal entries I like to write down the music that I’m listening to as I listen to it. It’s a window into my soul and sometimes shapes my thoughts or reminds me of things as I write. I’ve decided to continue that in my blog posts here. You might see in parenthesis or italics the name of a song and band/singer or a list at the end of the post. Listen with me if you like. You’ll likely see some repeats, but music is such an important part of life that it’s worth noting.
I’m not sure where to start today. I’m definitely “unsettled”. I’ve found myself sleeping much more lately than is normal for me which sounds like depression creeping in. I’ve been plagued with high levels of anxiety and panic attacks for the last few months. OK, more than a few months. The anxiety and attacks have been so bad that I’ve had to take a leave of absence from work. Doc and I have discussed medication changes and he’s got me maxed out on the normal cocktail that usually works for me. He told me that there’s not much more he can do at this point with medicine and recommends psycho therapy. Ahhh… cue the head shrinker.
Nothing more to be done with medication… That scares me. We always want to believe that medication can fix it, but it’s not always true… apparently.
I’m not opposed to talk therapy. In fact it can be quite effective and was for me some time back when I had my “nervous breakdown”. I had the pleasure of working with a very kind and effective therapist who helped me immensely. There’s a different dynamic there with a therapist. In a way they get to feel as thought they’re your friend, but they’re not. In some ways they’re better than a friend because there’s no holding back. You can say things to a therapist that might hurt feelings of some you care about. You can tell your therapist anything without the fear of “losing them”. That is unless you have some very scary skeletons in your closet and that’s a whole other conversation. 🙂 Anyway, after a couple of years my therapist, amazing as she was, decided to move on as was her right. She got another job and was leaving the group I was associated with. Turns out you can even “lose” your therapist. The group where I went dropped the ball and when so much time passed I decided to stop therapy altogether feeling that I’d got the best out of it.
So, now… frankly, I don’t want to go through all of the work it took to get where my original therapist and I ended. I don’t relish the thought of revisiting some extremely painful memories and thoughts. [Yellow – Coldplay] I’m scared… I’m afraid of continuing to feel like I’ve been feeling which is unworthy. My old friends the frenzy of racing thoughts threaten their infernal buzz with familiar thoughts. “I’m a failure.” “I’ve let down everyone around me.” Those two thoughts my friends are the foundation of my fears. They’re thoughts that can never be satisfied no matter how much I cry, talk, walk or scream it out. It’s a helpless feeling to not know how to save yourself. To feel you’re drowning in terror and the feeling that there’s no hand or flotation device that can help you. The scary place threatens… I need help. Time to grasp for distraction or reach out to my heart my husband. [Numb – Linkin Park]
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“I can’t do this” “I’m letting you down” part of my “script” word for word. “That’s the illness talking”, says my husband. He’s at work and feels helpless. We talk about comforting things, mundane things. One of our cats had kittens a month or so ago and we have three little “Amigos” to admire and love. We talk about them at length. We talk about some of our favorite television shows and he reminds me of a funny scene on one. He cracks some jokes about things going on at his work. He makes comment that the meds aren’t knocking me out as they were before. He says the illness makes my brain fight sleep when I need it most. He jokes that when I’m in this state a horse tranquilizer wouldn’t knock me out. Sleep is often my “reset button” but it can be elusive. Now that he’s “talked me down from the ledge” I’m ready for some more passive distraction so I choose a move on Netflix. This time it’s “The Secret: Dare to Dream”. It’s 11:40 pm and I’m okay.
[Under Pressure – Queen & David Bowie]