2024.07.27 1:00 am
I’m in a contemplative mood tonight. Feeling OK mentally. (Thank you, God). [Iridescent – Linkin Park]
So… I went to therapy for the first time in years. It was surprisingly a good session. We discussed work, which has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Think anvil with the Titanic attached…that kind of weight. We talked about the very high expectations that I hold myself to. We talked about my track record of success and fulfillment and how it doesn’t coincide with how I’m feeling about myself these days. That pall of failure that looms over me is a crushing weight. After much success at my old job I failed at a major task and it derailed me. In my current job after much success I’ve again tasted failure and it’s broken me…again. As my therapist alluded, failing at something doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Of course that makes sense…on paper. Maybe my mental picture of myself is broken. “How would you advise a close friend in your situation?” she asked. Ok, my mental picture of myself is definitely broken.
Regardless of failure or not I need to feel that I’m not suffocating… drowning. I need to feel that I’m not compromising who I am and who I want to be. We talked about my current job and how my goals don’t seem to be lining up in the same direction as theirs. I’ve not been called on to compromise my principles, but I feel deeply that the type of work I do does. I don’t feel fulfilled and as though I’m doing something that matters or brings goodness to the world. It’s not something with positive purpose. And so I’ve decided that something must change. I feel that my life is very literally at stake. What kind of work do I do? I’ve decided not to say. Not at this point. Not because I’m afraid to say but because it doesn’t matter. I just don’t do something that I believe in. [Ride – Twenty One Pilots]
I need to feel needed. It’s tied up into whether or not I feel that I’ve succeeded at something. I think every one of us does or at least needs to feel they have a purpose. I need to feel like I’m doing a good job. There’s a piece I’d like to share that goes into more detail about how I’m a “people pleaser” and what it’s done for me… and more importantly what it hasn’t. (Reluctant Narcissist?) It ties right into that need to feel that I’m doing a great job or even the best at something. I think I’m trying to please my grandmother or what I feel she would have been pleased with. (Love you Mamaw.)
I hope all of this makes some sort of sense to someone. Anyone. I type as I think. (But it’s nice to be able to do a little editing. Wouldn’t we all like to press the backspace on something we’ve said or done? LOL) [Robot Boy – Linkin Park]