Let me begin by saying I’m not a doctor. I’m not a medical expert. I’m not a nutritionist nor do I claim to have the answers. Please consult your doctor before beginning any weight loss regime for your own personal care. This is my trip through life. (Isn’t the word “journey” overused by now?)
Living with bipolar disorder is confusing and frustrating enough. Then factor in the medications required for stabilization. Some make you feel a little crappy with headaches, nausea, upset stomach, fatigue, dehydration and twitchy muscles. Some increase blood sugar and affect energy levels (healthline.com). Many medications used for bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses also have one common and lovely side effect: weight gain. Talk about adding insult to injury!
Individuals with bipolar disorder face the extra psychological barriers of dealing with anxiety, depression as well as wild mood swings. Anyone can relate to the hardship of dealing with negative or stressful events in life that derail your weight loss success. If you’re bipolar you likely deal with them on a daily basis and all can definitely affect your weight.
I’ve been overweight all my life or at least as long as I can remember. At about age 5 when kids are super impressionable my uncle’s nickname for me was “Fatso”. I remember thinking with horror, “Am I fat?” I knew that being fat was being different than “normal” people, but I also gathered that being fat was bad. Being overweight, like bipolar disorder carries a negative stigma that’s hard to shake.
Why do I want to lose weight? I’m lucky enough to have a husband who loves me unconditionally despite my weight fluctuations over the years. He’s the first to tell me I’m beautiful, sexy and that I mean everything to him. There are folks out there who scream about fat discrimination and body shaming who want you to love yourself as you are. I’m not saying not to love who you are. Just the opposite. I want to love myself by caring for myself.
I’m talking about also improving the quality of my life. For me it’s the little things… I want to not grunt getting out of bed. I want to be able to touch my toes without said grunt. I want to be able to run for goodness sake without feeling like I’ll keel over after two minutes (I’m being generous. I’d never make two minutes.) I’d at least like to get out the way if something is chasing me. Not that I get chased that much. I want to wear small clothes that fit me without bulges in all the wrong places. Shape wear can only get you so far folks. I want energy. I want to sleep well without pain and portions of my body falling asleep. I want my knees to stop protesting anytime I take a set of stairs. I am saying to take care of yourself, whether you have bipolar disorder or not and whether you’re fat or not. And for me taking care of myself means I want to weigh less.
My thoughts on surgery? I’m not opposed. I certainly don’t look down on anyone who takes steps to better their health and who, with their doctor’s support, make a decision to help better their lives. I myself have considered surgery. I know I fall well within the range where surgery is often suggested as an option. But, I guess I always felt like I was cheating myself out of the experience. I’ve thought too that if I’m willing to do a permanent procedure that will force me to “be good” I might as well learn to “be good” before I do the surgery. And if I’m good before the surgery I might as well enjoy the process of losing weight naturally. Slow and steady seems to have a little more success with me mentally and supposedly a good success rate for others as well.
Ultimately you need to use more calories than you take in. You need to move more aka that terrible thing known as exercise. Those two things remain true no matter which “diet” or life changes you decide to adopt.
I don’t remember my first diet but I imagine it didn’t take long for me to realize that dieting meant deprivation and I, like anyone else, do not like feeling deprived. I’ve tried dieting by myself with partners, in groups and even in competitions. I’ve tried low carb diets, high carb diets, fruit diets and starvation (didn’t get far on that one) among others. Some with varying degrees of success. It’s cliché but true that diets don’t work. Making changes that you can live with forever makes more sense.
I’ve lost weight before, lots of it, so I know how to do it. But like many of you, I can’t seem to get off the roller coaster of weight fluctuations and keep it off.
At the time of this post I weigh 286 lbs. On a short frame (I’m 5’3”) that’s a whole lotta’ jiggle. I’ve had dreams where I’m in some thick atmosphere and have to focus on breathing each breath. I wake from these dreams gasping which I know means sleep apnea (I’ve stubbornly refused to get the mask and equipment). I regularly wake up with arms, legs, hips or even whole sides of my body asleep with no feeling at all. I struggle to find a comfortable sleeping position and that sucks because sleeping has always been one of my favorite recharge/reboot methods. My joints, especially my knees and shoulders, are prone to strains and sprains. My back, which I injured a few years ago, protests on a regular basis with muscle spasms because of all the extra weight I carry in my front.
So here I am, pondering the weight issue… again. That purple elephant in the room. I’ve been putting it off for some time now using the excuse that “good food costs more money” which in this economy isn’t far off. Though really all food costs more these days that it did years ago. I’m still not willing to get the surgery because I know that if I don’t learn those good behaviors before then I’ll just gain it all back. I’ve seen it happen to several folks I know and I’m trying not to set myself up for failure.
Here’s my plan and my pledge. I’d like to use this blog as a way to not only log progress (good and bad) but to also hold myself accountable. I plan to count calories because it has worked for me in the past and because it doesn’t restrict the types of foods I eat. Because of that I’ve been more likely to keep it up. I’m reminded pretty quickly that better foods mean I get to eat more. Feeling full is better. You’d be surprised though how quickly your brain begins to think of food as fuel rather than entertainment.
I’m not going to go into minute detail about how I lose weight in this blog because losing weight is different for every person and I don’t want someone to follow my standard and be disappointed with results when every person and every body is different. This means I’m not going to tell you how many calories I allow myself, which nutrients I track, what meals I eat or anything else that I deem TMI. I plan on exercising, likely using my treadmill as my primary means of aerobic activity, but I have other options as well. I may post some progress on exercise, but I’m not sure about that because, again, every body is different. I will post weight losses, gains, plateaus and my feelings about each status.
I’ve got some things to get in order before I begin, making sure I have all equipment, etc. But I’ll let you know when I stop procrastinating and press the “GO” button. I mostly want to make sure I have everything in place to get started and that I have things set to include my husband who’d also like to get more healthy.
Feel free to share your own experiences! I’d appreciate any encouragement or constructive comments.
Songs I listened to while writing this post:
“Just Dance” – Lady Gaga
“Supermassive Black Hole” – Muse
“Dare” – Gorillaz
“Thunder” – Imagine Dragons