One of my biggest fears and the thing that causes me the most anxiety is the fear of judgment. I don’t want to be thought of as lazy or uncaring, stupid or…fat. But, I am in fact fat. Is it too much to ask that people think of me as just me and not as the fat girl that is me? Maybe they do. They say that other people spend a whole lot less time thinking about you and a whole lot more thinking about themselves. It still remains my biggest obsession. My former therapist says, “It goes both ways, you know. Do you judge people that you see in a restaurant or out somewhere?” I bow my head and admit that, yes, there’s often a comparison. “Am I as big as her?” “Why is she wearing something that shows her cellulite or every roll…that is not flattering.” Or, “poor thing, I wonder if she’s given up?” I’ve never thought that to know judgment you must have judged. Does any of this make me feel better? Nope, now I just think that I’m fat and shallow. The point is I guess that judgment is going to be out there no matter what we do. It’s how you decide to react to that is most important.
I pledge my choice to pay attention to myself from this point forward. Before I lose weight I want to take a good assessment of where I am. What does this body feel like? First off it’s heavy. Carrying around this much weight takes quite a bit of effort for someone who’s 5’3” and it’s hard on every part of your body including joints and even skin. The skin is tight in places and loose in others. Thighs perpetually rub together. Even my fingers and toes are chubby, so much so that I usually have to buy a half or whole size bigger shoe just to get a shoe that fits. The fat gets in the way of everything. I’m fairly flexible for my age and size but I can’t bend or twist like I want. Cleaning this body is a chore of it’s own, reaching, bending and lifting can get me panting if I’m not careful. Lately I have trouble getting up after I’ve crouched down… more than a little trouble. It takes a monumental effort to “unbend”. My clothes are tight except for the 4x items that I bought so they would either fit or balloon out from my body. Why do we fat girls insist on getting something a size bigger to make us look smaller, like putting a pillowcase on a pumpkin will make things better? Simple tasks like getting out of bed are a chore because my tiny arms just can’t easily move mountains. I have recurring dreams of losing my breath because I have sleep apnea. You can barely see my eyes when I smile because my cheeks are so chubby. Trust me there are a lot of things that don’t make being fat like a tub of ice cream and sunshine.
Effects of bipolar disorder on weight loss are as varied as the disorder. When you’re also fighting anxiety, depression and mood swings, not to mention a food addiction, it’s hard to put down the Cocoa Puffs. On the obverse when I’m manic I don’t like to eat much. Medications though prevent mania from being an issue so weight gain it is.
So you may ask, what’s my plan? I’m not going to lay out a diet and post meal plans here, but I do plan to chart my progress in this blog with total honesty. Loss OR gain. With grocery prices the way they are and specialty foods being on the expensive side I don’t have a lot of money to splurge. I’ll be eating what’s available. I’ll be eating what I want knowing that I only have so many calories in a day budgeted. Gosh darn it if I want Fruity Pebbles I’ll have some! I’ll just have to eat less that day. I’ll be rolling with whatever life and bipolar disorder have to throw my way. I’m not going to go in depth because, again, I’m not a weight loss expert, a medical professional or nutritionist. I do plan on watching calories, carbs and making sure I get enough essential nutrients to keep my body going. I do plan to exercise beginning slowly. For me 10 minutes daily will begin my weight loss trip.
I do believe that in the beginning habits are more important that watching every calorie or counting every step. You can build a habit by exercising 5-10 minutes a day at the same time each day so that when it’s time to step it up it’ll be harder for you to break your routine. I bought a fancy pair of rainbow sneakers that I adore but get to wear only when exercising so I can watch them in the mirror (yes, I have a mirror in front of my treadmill). Getting in the habit of measuring your food or at least glancing at labels will prepare you for what will become second nature as time goes by.
Getting healthy can become addictive. Before you know it you’ll be an expert and sharing all of your tips and tricks with your friends and family. How do I know this? I’ve lost weight before. I know it’s possible. I know it’s fun to watch that scale go down each week or each month and I know how good it feels to eat healthy and have more energy.
So, why did I stop? Why do I hesitate even though I’m looking forward to feeling better? The answer isn’t so easy to pin down. The last time I stopped losing weight I was coming down from a manic high and crashing into a deep depression. If I’d know I was bipolar I might have made some concessions to keep that progress going or at least to maintain my progress. I might have had to adjust my medication to accommodate for the darkness but my medication journey was in its infancy at that time. All I can say is that when bipolar depression knocked me off my feet I didn’t care about anything.
I don’t know how bipolar disorder will affect my weight loss, but I plan to take my medication religiously and I feel more prepared knowing my diagnosis.
I’ll be honest with you. I wrote the majority of this post nearly two years ago. August 25th of 2022 to be exact. That’s how long I’ve been procrastinating putting my health first. It says a lot about the roller coaster ride I’ve been on in the last two years. I’ve not had the energy or soul to document the spirals I’ve taken since then. What makes this time different? Well, I hope you do. I’ve been planning a blog since I found myself floundering at the time of my diagnosis. I didn’t want to feel so alone and I felt exactly that. This time I feel a dedication to you every time I hit that “publish” button on my computer screen.
So, I’m officially pressing the “GO” button on this ride having completed my first day of eating well. We prepared our meal at home today rather than opting for fast food which is usually our norm. I don’t feel bloated or painfully full as has also been my norm lately. My head feels more clear. Maybe it’s my imagination but I feel more powerful. So here I go, watch me change. Wish me luck!
I weighed today – 285lbs. Down one pound from my last post. Total weight lost 1lb.