For us Bipolar folks it’s important to take your meds. That’s’ a whole lot easier said than done as there’s good, bad and ugly with bipolar medications.
The first idea that there was a problem with my mental state was the depression and anxiety. That’s typical of bipolar disorder as we don’t often complain about bipolar highs or even realize they’re a symptom. Anyone who’s ever taken drugs knows that high is preferable to low. I understood depression, having fought those battles throughout my life. I’ve spoken with doctors about depression and have been on medications in the past. This time I was so low that I felt I should do something about it. I went to my doctor and sent up the red flair. I’m pretty sure that all mental health medications give the warning about suicidal thoughts, but I ignored them in the face of this magic pill that was supposed to take my blues away. I should have taken the warning label to heart. After about 2 weeks I found myself in my car having a conversation with myself in the mirror about how to make everything stop. What I didn’t know was that the chaos in my mind was racing thoughts coupled with acute mixed mania episodes (See Racing Thoughts.) and the medication was exacerbating the manic episode. My medication roller coaster ride had begun.
After the suicidal “event” my doctor told me she couldn’t help me, that I needed to see a psychiatrist. Thanks for not sugar coating it doc. She might as well have said to “suck it up”. I did get a referral for a psychiatrist though and I dreaded every second before the appointment. I wasn’t “crazy” and I shouldn’t need to see a shrink. I found my psychiatrist to be very competent, to the point and very interested in getting me the help I desperately needed. She’s the one person who dropped the bomb: I was bipolar.
Cue the medications! Mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, not to mention medications for sleep (too much or too little). I was lucky, Doc was determined to go slow and focus on the effects of each medication before proceeding to the next step toward stability rather than throwing meds at the wall to see what stuck. Every 3 weeks we met to discuss how I was feeling in very minute detail. Side effects from some of these medications can range from an upset stomach to weight fluctuations and even uncontrollable twitchy muscles (tardive dyskinesia)which is one of the most frustrating symptoms. (Twitching finally went away but in the beginning I was getting powerful twitches at least every minute in some part of my body!) And at the end of every session, “Are you feeling suicidal? Are you feeling safe?”
Once I’d begun to get more stable my trusted Doc decided to retire and I was left with a newbie. It’s worth it to put some work into finding a doctor you can trust who is willing to go as slow (or fast) as is possible to get you as stable as possible and be willing to take time to invest as much in your health as you are.
So, the good? On meds I very rarely think of killing myself due to extreme lows. The bad? I have to take regular medication to keep myself from going too high or too low. And I miss my mania. (really really miss) The ugly? It’s going to be like this for the rest of my life and there’s no magical cocktail of meds that will keep me stable forever. I’ll occasionally need to have my meds adjusted to compensate for changes in my biology and life in general.
It takes time, dedication, open honesty with your doctor and vigilance once you get stable. Is it worth it? Definitely. The constant ups and downs are enough to drive anyone mad. The lows themselves are enough to ensure you take your medications, otherwise things can get scary really quick. And even the highs can cause you to do things that might be dangerous or that you’ll just regret.
Do me a favor. Take your meds! 🙂 It’ll keep you off the roller-coaster ride you want to miss.
Music I listened to while writing this post:
“Blind” – Korn
“Coming Undone” – Korn
“Rx (Medicate)” – Theory of a Deadman
“A Little Bit Off” – Five Finger Death Punch
“State of My Head” – Shinedown