Let’s talk about the mad in our madness. Bipolar anger or rage is the scariest thing about living with bipolar disorder and the primary reason that bipolar disorder gets its negative stigma. Most people aren’t afraid of someone who’s maniacally happy, right? It’s the anger that sticks out in the minds of people.
So, what does it mean? What does it feel like? Do you have anything to fear from it? The short answers are: exponential anger, like a volcano and maybe… The long answers are harder to pin down.
Bipolar anger is the end of the spectrum that everyone fears, both the individual suffering from the disorder and the public at large. It ultimately is a burst of uncontrollable negative emotion that can be triggered by anything or nothing at all. You don’t know where it came from and you don’t usually know what to do with it. In the past I went from feeling “unsettled” to down right pissed off and to hell with anything that got in my way. Usually my husband bore the brunt of my anger which could be anything from a sullen silence to screaming and throwing things with the overwhelming feeling of being “right” in the “argument”.
Therapy and medication have helped me cope with my occasional fits of rage. (See Bipolar Medications) They’re mostly controllable bouts of unsettled anger these days. Last night I felt the anger boil up inside me like a mixture of heartburn and vomit. It morphed into a frustration with my husband though he’d done nothing to deserve it. Ultimately I turned away from him and lost myself in Pinterest, music and other distractions.
Distraction is a great way to tamp down unwanted feelings of anger. The best thing to do is to know what it feels like when it’s coming on and react accordingly. I knew in my case that I had to remove myself from the situation or I would pick a fight with my husband and end up doing, saying or even thinking things I didn’t mean. There’s a thought. Just because it crosses your mind doesn’t mean that you really believe it.
Music is an amazing distraction for me. It’s a way to help define how you’re feeling. There’s nothing that makes you feel better than knowing someone else has felt or is feeling the same thing you’re feeling. You can scream in your mind without screaming out loud. For me this usually takes nice loud angry music. 🙂 (Channel your inner rock star.) For this I like Korn, Linkin Park, Emenim, Disturbed, Slipknot and System of a Down to name a few.
I always feel waves of guilt after an anger spell. It’s that disappointment in myself for thinking or doing the “wrong” things and feeling so out of control. It’s important to validate those feelings and not ignore them. Bottling up your anger can result in further outbursts or in my case an even more explosive outburst that may feel hard to control.
The important thing is to be honest both with yourself and with your friends/loved ones. My husband and I have a simple plan when I start “losing my religion” (Great R.E.M song too). Basically the fuse gets lit and we both get out of one another’s way. I then use one of my go-to distractions like music, crafting, drawing, coloring, weaving…whatever feels comfortable at the time. Sit down with yourself, your family, your therapist or doctor and think of outlets before the anger arrives. Make a list! This will help you with a plan that may help you unspin from that negative spiral. It could be as simple as reading a book, taking a walk or even taking a nap
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Bipolar anger doesn’t have to be something to fear, but it’s important to note that unchecked anger from any individual can have a negative impact. Those of us with bipolar disorder just seem to feel things a little more to the extreme.
Music I listened to while writing this post:
“Take” – Collective Soul
“What’s The Trick?” – Jack White
“Worse is on Its Way” – Korn
“Dead Leave and the Dirty Ground” – The White Stripes
“Freak on a Leash” – Korn
“Losing My Religion” – R.E.M.